These days, I think so much about all of you moms at home with your young children as I am at home with my college aged ones. I loved being a stay at home mom for the ten years that I was but those days were so different than the ones you are facing today. We spent hours at parks, on playdates, lots of time going, doing, and seeing…So different from the days you are facing now. Your days must feel never ending sometimes, with few places to go or things to do, and very little time for self care. I know most of you can’t even get a bathroom break by yourself these days. These times can be trying for even the most patient of mothers.
I also know that, as moms, we are the best at being hard on ourselves. Guilt seeps in as we wrestle with finding balance between time with our children, household needs, and finding a few moments for ourselves. At night, we count our shortcomings instead of sheep. We so easily recall the moments of that day when we weren’t present enough, patient enough, or attentive enough. When my children were young, I fell asleep each night vowing that tomorrow I would do better, be better – only to promise myself the same thing the next night and the next…
I remember distinctly the moment when my perspective began to shift. It was a busy, rushed school morning. We were late and I was short tempered, yelling with frustration at my son as I rushed him out the door and into the car. We raced to school in silence, each of us consumed with our own thoughts. As my son stepped out of the car, I felt such regret as I watched him walk slowly into school, head down, still impacted by the morning’s events.
I replayed that moment in my head over and over that whole day. I was ashamed of myself for how I had set the tone for his day. I busied myself but time moved slowly as I watched the clock and waited to apologize to him. I pictured him distracted from school work, less engaged with peers and feeling sad. When I picked him up from school, he was barely in the car before I blurted out, “ I am so sorry about this morning..” He turned to me with a puzzled expression and said, “Why? What happened?” He had let it go long before he got out of school and had carried on with his day. Meanwhile, time stood still for me that day as I marinated in my guilt and regret. As I thought more about it in the coming days, I wondered about his reaction in proportion to mine – what he made of that moment compared to what I made it mean…
As similar experiences took place in the coming months,I realized that in putting pressure on myself to be perfect I was missing what my kids see – the bigger picture. Life is made up of so many little moments that add up to their big picture. I learned that daily moments of shared connection were the key. These moments were what solidified their belief in the consistency of my love in spite of my imperfections. Once realized, day by day, I sought out individual moments of connection with each of my children – 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there…I was amazed at how short the time really needed to be when I was present, consistent, engaged, and clearly enjoying time with them. It is still the same with my grown children to this day…
This daily practice was not only rewarding for all of us but also dramatically changed the pressure I put on myself to be the perfect parent. I replaced my bedtime list of imperfections with a gratitude list of the moments of connection from the day. Initially, my goal was to create more moments of connection than moments of impatience – to keep the investments in their emotional banks higher than the withdrawals I made. However, I soon found myself looking forward to more and more opportunities to connect as these moments filled up my emotional bank as well. This was a game-changer for me, not only in how I saw myself as a mother but also in the building of a solid foundation of mutual respect and enjoyment of one another that I still share with my kids today. From toddler to adulthood, it’s those brief moments when we feel seen, heard, and loved that fill us up and it’s the same for them.
So, on those days when your to do list is never ending and your patience is wearing thin, remember that you don’t have to be perfect – just make the most of little moments of connection and count those up instead of imperfections as you fall asleep tonight.